Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
