I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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