he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
