Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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