I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
