Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
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Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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