i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
false alarm. still invincible.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
