I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
