My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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