The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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