actually, I'm a sock model
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
