Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
