does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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