I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
