You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
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Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
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I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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