It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
