she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
