She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
