I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
