I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
