When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
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Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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