Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
