I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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