hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
nutella sex= disaster
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
