My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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