Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
