I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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