I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
