I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
