Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
