1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
