State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
