I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
