I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
