make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
