it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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