i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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