I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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