This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
