One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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