I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
