This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
