We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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