How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
