I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
