I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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