I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.