you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today