I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
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He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.