I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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