You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
