I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
