hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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