know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
