here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
