Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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