There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
this will be a night to untag.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
