Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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