cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I need to sanitize my soul.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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