the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
