If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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