I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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