people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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